The Hannahlogues

I can only answer that by first telling you what I’m not doing.

It’s incredible to believe that I’ve only been here in my little writer’s garret on my little Croatian island for just over two weeks.. Truly, it blows my mind. I just so felt so immediately at home here that there was no adjustment period.

The purpose of this three month “reset” (I’m trying to stop using the word sabbatical, because that implies that it’s a paid venture – which it is not, and that I have a job waiting for me at the end of it – which I do not) is to let my brain heal so that I have the space to explore what’s next from a place of homeostasis, not in a fight or fight (or fawn or freeze – thanks Olivia Benson) mindset. I didn’t feel like I was in a place to make a rational, thoughtful decision about the next stage of my career and life in the hyper-stressed, cortisol drenched state we as Americans exist in.

But, being the stereotypical Type-A “overachiever”non-breezy” person that I am, I had to provide some structure to my unstructured time. After all, three months isn’t really all that much time. To that end, I had a few guiding principles to help enable a successful reset. After all, rules control the fun.

1. The word “should” is no longer a part of my vocabulary: I am here to do only what I want to do. If something feels like an obligation, I don’t do it. If I want to sleep all day, or read all day, or stay inside and not get any “fresh air,” then that’s what I do. If I want to eat pasta every night, I will (and have). If I don’t want to exercise or go for a walk, I don’t. I am here to do what I want to do, not what I feel like I should do. There are things that I have been wanting to do for years, but they always feel selfish and indulgent, or not worth the hours they would require if they weren’t in service of my to-do list. But here, I am breaking my own rule if I don’t do them!
   
2. I am not here to be a tourist. This is not a *vacation*: it’s easy to feel like I would be wasting an opportunity of a lifetime by not take advantage of three months of travel, maximizing my time to see all the important landmarks and museums and explore every part of whatever country I am in. After all, a month somewhere is surely enough time to get a feel for a whole country. But travel is not relaxing. Packing up and moving to the next city, the next sight (site?) every few days is not exactly unstressful. I indulged myself in an over-stuffed checked bag with not one pair of swishy zip off pants to be found within it. I did not pack a capsule wardrobe. I am not here to be hyper-mobile. I am here to be comfortable. This is where I refer myself to rule #1 – as soon as something feels like an obligation, it’s not serving the purpose I am here for.
   
   [More on the incredibly un-fun way Americans vacation in a later post]
   
3. The first two months are about the present, not the future: Obviously I will need some sort of game plan eventually. My savings is finite and I have very real obligations at home that are alleviated in the short term (eg mortgage and car payments) but that will start costing very real money come August. This is, in fact, a zero sum game. But if I showed up and immediately started updating my resume and applying to remote jobs and sending networking emails, then my brain would never heal. I would never have the “aha” moment I am so certain I will have that will help me see the path forward. So as a compromise, I told myself that I can’t start to think about “what’s next” until June, my third month. And I won’t allow any guilt to creep in about how I could be “better spending my time.” When in doubt, re-read rule one. To be honest, I think that knowing there is time allotted for making a plan is allowing me to lean into the freedom of no obligations now.
   
4. No apologies: There is a lot of bad in the world. There are millions of people who are quite literally fighting for their lives every minute of the day. People who would kill for the comfortable life I felt so strongly I had to get away from – the job I willingly left. I had made this decision well before Trump and his gang of mediocre white men took office for the second time, but the timing does feel a little uncomfortable. A not small part of me feels guilty to have left at a time when my country needs my energy and voice the most, to speak for those who can’t. I am not fleeing trauma, or war, or fearing for the safety and security of my loved ones. It sounds so selfish to do something so indulgent right now, but I am (slowly) understanding that my feelings and experiences and struggles are valid, even if in the scheme of all of the suffering in the world, I have it easy. Caring for myself right now is not an act of selfishness, it is an act of self-love. I am putting my oxygen mask on first.
   
   Everything that has driven me in my professional life has been in pursuit of making the world a better place – and I have no doubt that wherever I end up and whatever I end up doing, that will continue to be a priority (thank you, therapy!). But I can’t singlehandedly fix our broken immigration system, or stop our country from funding a genocide in Palestine, get my personal information back from Elon Musk, or restore the deleted references to Harriet Tubman in the US Parks Department website.
   
   I’ll be honest – this is the hardest guiding principle to abide by, especially as every headline I read appears to be worse than the last. But if I punish myself #insolidarity, no one wins.

So there you have it: the guiding principles by which I have been living these last 3 weeks, and hope to live over the coming months. Part II: “I’ve told you what I don’t do, now I’ll tell you what i do do” to follow, but I must dash – the mountains are calling me for my daily walk (that I very much want to do – but didn’t yesterday, so didn’t!) and I have plans (!!) tonight for which I need to catch the 3:50 ferry.

Some photos as a reward for sticking it out through all those words!